5 years ago ….
He was just 30 years old and I was 29,
There were so many questions in my head,
There were so many emotions rise up,
I stayed up all night waiting for him to went back home,
I already had a feelings that something happenened,
My life suddenly changed …
I was preparing for your farewell party at this time. It’s been quiet a while you gone back home to where you belong. But now I realize that no emotions and feelings involved anymore. I believe that both You and Me already released and free.
Dian Kusuma Bhuwana Tampubolon, a beloved husband, father, son, brother, uncle, nephew, an Angel …. every one that knew you still have you in their memory. You are the sweetest and kindness soul I ever met. You are the best teacher in my life.
Again … thank you for everything and we love you forever. 💜💜💜
Once I found my true self I already put down all the mask that I’ve been wearing. All of those time when I compromise with being normal. All of those time when I hid my feelings and emotions. All of those time when I do everything for the sake of others.
Is everything become easier without my mask? Absolutely no. Being genuine mean you ready to be rejected by others. Ready to feel pain. Ready to experience all kind of emotions and take them as they are. All kind of feelings that not all good you need to deal with.
There’s a time when you want to ran away and hide and disapear … as a human being I still feel negative emotions and sometimes I did mistakes also, I said and did something not right and maybe make others feels hurt. I cannot take everything back … what’s done os done.
Should I wear my mask again and pretend that all ok when I feel not ok? Should I cover my eyes, ears and all sense? When I feel like I wanna be alone and spend time in my cave it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be reach and pull out.
I know that everything just illusion, I just need to keep remind my self I AM is not what I think, what I feel, what I do … all is ok they way it is. All is fine and beautiful… the good side of me, the evil side of me, the angel and the devil, Parvati and Kali, all is ok.
I forgive you dear self, I’m sorry for being too hard on you. Please forgive me to let you feel more and not remind you that there’s a feeling and emotions that came out. Sorry to let the feeling taking over you. Thank you for being so strong for all of this time … I LOVE YOU
So never wear the mask again, just be you no matter what.
Sometimes when you want to go somewhere or to do something or to meet someone, even when you already prepare your self, leave early but something makes you missed what you planned. Either you get upset and disappointed all day or be aware on where you end up and realize what’s wait for you there. And you’ll find that you’re meant to missed you plan to get another experience that is as beautiful as your original plan. Or might be more exciting.
Yesterday for the 3rd or maybe 4th time my friend reminded me to join them to cacao ceremony. I thought … ok I’ll make it today … we planned to meet at Soma at 6.50, but don’t know why I mixed soma with atma so I ended up going the wrong way and stuck in traffic when I realized my mistake and I arrive at soma at 7pm. I tried to contact my friend but couldn’t reach. So I though that they left me behind since I was late.
When I was standing at parking lot, took some deep breath and thinking to go home since I also had a little headache … some lovely man said hi to me and started a conversation that ended up they invited me to join them. I thought…. why not since I already there …
You know what, it ended up into a wonderful night. I met some lovely souls, had a jam with some lovely people at soma, I sang without hesitate, and had a nice conversation. I was a bit surprised because my headache gone after a few minutes I was there, I didn’t feel nervous to met new strangers, I didn’t feel shy to sing with them. I enjoyed it so much.
Best “un- coincident” event ever.
Photo taken by Luna
Random Act of Kindness
#1 Little girl and God’s Eye
Today while I was waiting for my salsa class at Radiantly Alive yoga center, I decided to have some Indian Chai. Was raining in Ubud, so hot chai is the best. Sitting there at Bali Buddha restaurant came a young couple with two girl sitting in front of me. A cute toddler and a little girl, maybe the older one is about 5 years old. Right next to me is a kids corner where there are some pillows, puzzles, blocks, coloring sheet and come coloring pencils. The little girl was standing there and just staring at the table where the sheet and the pencils were. Suddenly we have a soul communication. Our eyes was met and I feels like I was talking to her without even saying anything. We were smiling at each other and then I gave her a sign with my head for her to looked at the sheet. And then another sign with my hand for her to color the sheet. As you guess she start coloring. But not long … seems like she was bored. While her toddler sister continued her coloring, she decided to sit next to her mom. But I can felt that she was a little bit uncomfortable at that time. Suddenly I remembered that I brought some God’s Eye (Ojos De Dios) key chain that I made with me.
I grabbed the pink one and I walked to her table. I asked to her father if I can give her something. Then I handed offer the key chain to her. Her face was so priceless. She gave me a sweet smile and I can see that she was excited for that. When I was sit back on my table she came to me and said thank you. She said that she will put it on her room. The best feeling ever to see someone smile and change their mood just because a small act of kindness.
I only know how to love deeply.
once I open my heart, it will stay open.
I don’t know how to decrease the intensity… I only know once you get in to my circle as a friend or more … you will know if you are to me.
But that label cannot describe who you are to me. It’s just a label that for me don’t fit you. I have many people that I call friend, but not all connect to me as you are.
You are special … and I Love You