Remembering without getting any emotions involved.

​5 years ago ….

He was just 30 years old and I was 29,

There were so many questions in my head,

There were so many emotions rise up,

I stayed up all night waiting for him to went back home,

I already had a feelings that something happenened,

My life suddenly changed …
I was preparing for your farewell party at this time. It’s been quiet a while you gone back home to where you belong. But now I realize that no emotions and feelings involved anymore. I believe that both You and Me already released and free.

Dian Kusuma Bhuwana Tampubolon, a beloved husband, father, son, brother, uncle, nephew, an Angel …. every one that knew you still have you in their memory. You are the sweetest and kindness soul I ever met. You are the best teacher in my life.

Again … thank you for everything and we love you forever. 💜💜💜

Shall I put my mask on?

Once I found my true self I already put down all the mask that I’ve been wearing. All of those time when I compromise with being normal. All of those time when I hid my feelings and emotions. All of those time when I do everything for the sake of others. 
Is everything become easier without my mask? Absolutely no. Being genuine mean you ready to be rejected by others. Ready to feel pain. Ready to experience all kind of emotions and take them as they are. All kind of feelings that not all good you need to deal with.

There’s a time when you want to ran away and hide and disapear … as a human being I still feel negative emotions and sometimes I did mistakes also, I said and did something not right and maybe make others feels hurt. I cannot take everything back … what’s done os done.

Should I wear my mask again and pretend that all ok when I feel not ok? Should I cover my eyes, ears and all sense? When I feel like I wanna be alone and spend time in my cave it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be reach and pull out. 

I know that everything just illusion, I just need to keep remind my self I AM is not what I think, what I feel, what I do … all is ok they way it is. All is fine and beautiful… the good side of me, the evil side of me, the angel and the devil, Parvati and Kali, all is ok. 

I forgive you dear self, I’m sorry for being too hard on you. Please forgive me to let you feel more and not remind you that there’s a feeling and emotions that came out. Sorry to let the feeling taking over you. Thank you for being so strong for all of this time … I LOVE YOU 

So never wear the mask again, just be you no matter what.

♡Ina♡

You Know Nothing

Today I lost one of my furry little angel, Chandra.

He didn’t make it today.

I only had him about a month. Moon really love him, even before Chandra was a bit more quiet and like to be alone but they play alot together recently. Chandra was so tiny and skinny, then turn into a fat belly kitten and playful.

Chandra Playing in the Garden

Chandra Playing on the bed

Last night he looked weak and sleep alot. He didn’t even touch his food. I was planning to take him to vet today  after work. But Then this morning he didn’t move …. just lay on his bed. Moon stay by his side.

Moon with Chandra this morning 

I took Chandra to the vet and I need to left him there to work. At noon the vet called me and said that he couldn’t make it. They said his body temperature was too low and even they manage to raise his temperature but he was gone. When I receive that news I cried suddenly …. then I realize I cried not because I was sad. It was because I felt that I didn’t give him more love and more attention that he needed. But this feeling didn’t go away, it became stronger …then I realize the same feelings came out long time ago when I lost someone I love. This is not about someone I lost. This about the pain I had since long …

I Was Wrong

This evening I spent time with someone that I spent time with recently.  But this time our conversation made me exhausted.  I  was so drowned.  I felt like everything I said was wrong and there’s a big thick wall between us. Then I tried to breathe and forgot about it.  I tried to make my self relax. I closed my eyes,  put my hand on my chest and breathe slowly.  Then I stopped when I felt better.  But then suddenly I cannot breathe.  Like something blocked my nose. I closer my eyes again, put both hands on my chest,  tried to breathe through my mouth then I kept saying to my self “you are loved” over and over and over. Suddenly I started to cry … Lauder and Lauder… I was not able to control it and I felt that I shouldn’t control it. So I just let it out. I flow with it. I cried as hard as I could till all of my body shaking.

Reward

Today I met my self when I was 5 years old.

Whole off my life I’ve been too hard on my self. I value my self very low. Even when I start to value my self more, and dare to take the challenge and opportunities because I know I can. And when I start to receive and welcome the better life, rewards of my hard work. Still deep inside I still fell uncomfortable and unworthy. Then today, my beautiful friend remind me about my self in the past.Why and when I start to label my self and build dogma in my life that I’m holding all of this time.